The Big Bad Pig did a runner on Christmas Eve, causing Big Bint to spend six hours looking for her. Probably distressed because I'd gone away for Christmas and she was getting only one meal and visit a day, she legged it over the field and far away. A brave local trapped her in his garden and called the RSPCA, so the Big Bad Pig spent Christmas at Wood Green Animal Shelter - where she had a grand holiday and proved very popular.
But now she's back and this time it's serious. With pig-owner Emma, I've put electric fence all round the garden. The pig will henceforth wear an orange jumpsuit and will not be allowed copies of the Quran. Lockdown.